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Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." ---- What's that coming over the hill? Is it a Munky? Is it a Munky? Coming soon, Munky's scary Unkle Pete turns the tables on Sir David Attenborough in his groundbreaking mockumentary, 'Walking with nosey bastards!' ---- Harry from Hull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have noticed recently that my cosmetically enhanced girlfriend has started cutting sandwiches in a diagonal fashion. My late Gran made sandwiches in this way and she eventually died of pneumonia. Would I be best advised to call a doctor Unkle Munky? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Harry, my 1997 pneumonia annual informs me that diagonal sandwich presentation is not a symptom of the aforementioned illness. It seems likely that your cosmetically enhanced girlfriend is merely experimenting. Though considered an innocent pastime by many, you may wish to nip her cutting technique in the bud as likely progressions include animal shapes, stars and even letters of the alphabet. Good luck. My thoughts are with you. ---- Robert from Felixstowe asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my recently power-showered wife wants a 'Lager lamp' for her birthday. To be quite frank, Unkle Munky, I can't find one anywhere. Shall I just buy her a Carling six pack and a torch instead? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Robert, I have consulted my 1993 book of occasional domestic lighting and can confirm that the lamp requested by your recently scrubbed wife is of the 'Lava' variety. You might be interested to note that six cans of premium strength lager, a chicken vindaloo and a rigorous game of twister can quite adequately imitate the patterns produced by said light source. ---- Cher from Rochdale asks - Dear Unkle Munky, who do you think would win a fight between Cilla Black and Cheryl Tweedy? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Cher, it seems quite obvious to me that the victor in such a battle would undoubtedly be Ms. Tweedy. She is easily the hardest member of Girls Aloud and takes no crap from anyone, Cilla Black included. 'Please Note -' Due to limited disk space Unkle Munky was unable to attach a Jpeg of Cilla Black. Shame that. ---- 'Professional' agony aunt, Claire Rayner from Butts Inn says - Dear Munky! I must question the validity of the above post as it seems like yet another excuse to attach a jpeg of a nubile young lady, someone you doubtlessly lust for in your pathetic little fantasy world. I would have been more inclined to believe 'Cher's' question had Ms. Black won the fight. The fact that you only publish pictures of pretty ladies is testimony to both your sexist and despicable attitude. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Triple Chin, with respect, you are talking complete bollocks. I have contacted my illegal secretary, Ms. Bumton, with regards to your slur and she has confirmed my worst suspicion. You are a meddling old hag with little, if any, respect for a simple primate who is just trying to earn an honest living. To be quite frank, I don't know what Ms. Bumton means by 'simple'. I shall take this up with her at our next meeting which is held weekly on a fortnightly basis in a pub called 'The George and Rayner'. Your argument is flawed on many levels and falls completely arse over tit in the closing sentence. Quote - ''The fact that you only publish pictures of pretty ladies is testimony to both your sexist and despicable attitude.'' On numerous occasions (and against my will) I have been forced to publish your ugly 'triple chin' picture so that my younger readers might have some idea of who you actually are. I'll be buggered if I'm giving you anymore bandwidth (after all - you require major fuckin' bandwidth with that mouth) and shall instead add a more attractive jpeg to this post. Do your worst Rayner. You bitter old has been! ---- Simon from Aberdeen aska - Dear Unkle Munky, how come your Unkle Pete is an ape? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Simon, that's nothing, one of my aunts is a Penguin! '''Pete adds - That Munkys got fcuk all to do with me! ---- Best served dead Margaret from County Durham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, on the event of his death, my husband has requested that his body be cryogenically frozen. How on earth he expects me to pack him into our modest fridge freezer is, to be quite frank, beyond me? I struggle as it is to cram my weekly shopping into it and almost always have to forfeit a ready meal of some description! Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Margaret, it is worth remembering that on the event of your husband's death you will only have the need to shop for one person, yourself. This fact alone should afford you the space required for his frozen corpse. Perhaps a strict diet in his later years might also be beneficial to shelf space? *Health and safety notice. '''Always observe the 'star rating' when storing frozen meat. In the case of a corpse said symbol can be located via the arse. ---- Graham from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my psychic girlfriend claims that our relationship will be over before the new year and that we may as well end it now to save ruining the Xmas festivities. Can she really see into the future or, as I suspect, is she talking out of her lovely arse? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Graham, dating psyChics is fraught with difficulty. You must put her lovely arse behind you and move on. Reminiscing over what could have been before 'what could have been' even existed is just a mind-fuck too far. Enjoy Xmas and don't worry too much about the near fatal car crash that will befall you on the 24th February 2007. '''Graham replies - Car crash? ---- Bob from Finchley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently broke both of my arms and badly sprained my left ankle whilst jumping from a garage roof. Who do I contact with regards to the misleading claims of these so-called 'Fly sprays'? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Bob, I am sorry to hear of your terrible injuries and I must make it clear, before passing on Ms. Bumton's advice, that both my thoughts and sympathies are with you at this distressing time. As indicated earlier, I took the liberty of forwarding your query onto my legal adviser, Ms. Bumton (of ex Spice Girls fame). Here is her somewhat colourful response. '''Ms. Bumton replies - Oh fer fucks sake Munky! When I joined your column I assumed that I would be dealing with normal members of the public and not, as seems evident, the mindless rantings of moronic idiots! I have neither the time, the patience or indeed the inclination to explain the seemingly obvious error of Bob's pathetic ways. Now, if you don't mind, I have nails to paint and personal calls to make! Unkle Munky says -''' Ahem. Thanks Emma. ---- Sophie from Alton asks - Dear Unkle Munnky, my 'Speek & Spel' has stoped talking too me. What cud be the problum? I ave checked the baterys and they seam ok? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Sophie, it would appear obvious to me that your Speak & Spell console has gone into 'critical voluntary surrender mode'. ---- Maria from Barrow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my email dated November 2nd 2006? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Maria, I neglected to answer the email of which you speak as I fail to understand why anyone would need to know the spanner size for a fifty pence piece? ---- There's a pratt works down my local swears he's Shaky... Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Elvis Presley might have faked his own death so that he could concentrate on his 'Shaking Stevens' tribute act? Please don't tell me that my mate is pulling my plonker again? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Warren, confirming Elvis Presley's involvement with a Shaking Stevens tribute act is proving rather difficult as I am unable to sit through more than five minutes of his convulsing act. It seems more probable to me that Elvis is still running a successful fish and chip shop establishment with the late, great and truly lovely Ms. Kirsty MacColl. ---- Tina from Westport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my email flagged as 'Urgent'? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Tina, I did indeed receive your urgently flagged email. I would have replied earlier, but I had a kettle that needed de-scaling. As to your mail - It seems highly unlikely to me that your late Gran could have communicated her wishes via a ouija board, especially as she was dyslexic. My legal advisor, Ms. Bumton (who incidentally, still refuses to remove her top) says - '''Forwarding any assets (be they monetary or otherwise) to this charlatan of a medium would be a grave mistake. I can only advise, on this occasion, that you contact your Gran by playing a Spice Girls record. Unkle Munky replies -''' Just to clarify, I am presuming that said record should be played in reverse Ms. Bumton? '''Emma Bumton says - You should never presume anything where ladies are concerned Munky! Now fcuk off and leave me alone, I have shoes to polish. ---- Daniel from Portsmouth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that you only get an OO with Typhoo? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Daniel, this is one of those common urban myths that I can happily quash right here and now by revealing that you also get an OO with Brooke Bond. ---- George from High Wycombe asks - Dear Unkle Munky, whilst doing my weekly online shopping via Tesco.com I accidentally ordered a dozen chicken fillets as opposed to the pack of Lil-lets that my girlfriend had requested. As you can imagine, she isn't very happy. What can I do to make amends Unkle Munky? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear George, I have spent all morning carrying out absorption tests on the aforementioned chicken fillets and can confirm that they make useless tampons. I am not surprised that your girlfriend is unhappy. Walking around with one of these up your lady hole is no fun at all. I would suggest, on this occasion, that you put said fillets to good use and prepare her a lovely meal. '''George Replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I mis-read your response to my query and accidentally fried my girlfriend's last remaining tampon. What shall I do now? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear George, pack your suitcase and leave quietly. You are obviously not ready for a serious relationship. ---- 42 inches of Munky... Rose from Lichfield asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why are men so obsessed with the size of their television screens? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Rose, I have no idea as to why men are so obsessed with the size of their television screens. I can confirm, however, that mine is a whopping 42 inches! '''Rose replies - Is that meant to impress me? ---- Martin from Manchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as a married man with five kids I am rather worried that I actually quite like the comeback single from Take That. Do I need help? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Martin, I am pleased to reveal that you are not alone in your fondness of the new Take That single. I can also reveal that the accompanying video is far less camp than their bare-buttock, jelly-fighting videos of the past. '''Martin replies - ...Just out of interest Munky, do you have any pictures of the boys from those halcyon days? Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Martin, is there something you're not telling me? ---- Dave from Dorset asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have just learned that my partner of eighteen months has bisexual tendencies. I am at my wits end and just don't know what to do for the best. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Dave, firstly - congratulations. Choosing the right moment to broach this delicate subject is, to be quite frank, imperative. Requesting her permission to watch must be done with tact and diplomacy. I would recommend, dimmed lights, soft music and a microwave meal for two (maybe three). '''Dave replies - Oh fer fucks sake Munky! I don't want to see her making love to anyone but myself! That's the problem. Forget it! I'll mail that nice Claire Rayner. She isn't a natural born pervert, like some 'agony columnists' I could mention. ---- Jim from Mersyside asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my email marked, 'Urgent'? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Jim, I did indeed receive your email marked, 'Urgent'. I would have replied far earlier, had I not been busy removing pubic hairs from the keyboard of my trusty ZX Spectrum. As to your question - semen stains are notoriously difficult to remove, especially from velvet. I would, on this occasion, recommend that you spend a frantic weekend masturbating over the entire surface of said drapes. A uniform discolouration should at least remove any suspicion on your part. Here's a jpeg to help get you in the mood. ---- Next... Previous... Return to Munky Menu...